The merry go round

It's been one week since Coopers accident, one week of reassuring my little boy every day that he is safe, brave, and he will be ok.
I feel like I am on a merry go round. Every day I jump on, just waiting for the moment when Coops will mention he fell in the water.  Each time he mentions it, my heart drops out of my chest.  He stares blankly as he talks about it.  My poor baby, what is going through that precious little mind of yours?
Today he started back at creche, and I felt a bit apprehensive leaving him this morning.  I know he is safe there and loves playing with his friends, it was the factor of him talking about falling in the water without me being around.
I explained to his carers what happened to him, just so they knew and understood if he started talking about it.
He kissed and hugged me, said "bye mummy", I prayed that he would have a great day.
When I went to pick him up tonight, he was sitting in the playground on a chair, staring off into the distance.  This was not my bouncy little man who is usually running around with his friends, climbing, playing in the sand pit. I went up and said "hi Coops, how was your day?".  He responded with "mummy, today I fell in the water". That blank look, it broke my heart.  It was like he was reliving it all over again.
 It's been exactly one week and he was adamant that it happened today. He kept repeating it - "I fell in the water today, I splashed, I got wet, daddy had to save me.  I must be careful".
Bless his soul, I just want to wrap him in cotton wool, protect him, be there beside him for his every waking moment.
When will this merry go round stop? I'm tired and my heart is breaking for my gorgeous little boy.

Time to heal

We have just returned from a holiday that we will never forget.  It was a lovely week away, sleep ins, jumping in the waves, playing at lots of amazing parks, exploring, shopping, coffee's and lots of treats.  Just spending time together, the four of us, not set to time limits, just living in the moment.

The reason that we won't forget this holiday.............Cooper almost drowned. Have you ever had a moment in life where in one split second, something goes horribly wrong and the fight is on to save a loved one's life?  Well, that's exactly what happened to us.

There was a pirate ship moored at the Port Fairy pier which Cooper wanted to check out. It wasn't open to jump on and view, but you could get a good look at it just from walking along the pier.  We had just been for a walk to the lighthouse and I had decided to put Charlie in the car and was sitting with the car going - in park, handbrake on.  Will and Cooper were walking along the pier - Will was at one end and Cooper at the other.  I didn't take my eyes off Cooper the whole time, I'm extremely paranoid about accidents happening.  Cooper turned to walk back towards Will, tripped and fell backwards, somersaulting underneath the railing and falling a couple of metres into the water.  My eyes went straight to Will, expecting him to be running, but he wasn't doing anything, he hadn't seen Coops fall out of sight.  I started running from the car, screaming at Will, which at this stage he had just heard the splash and was running too.  Throwing the backpack down, he ran to the end to spot where Cooper was, he didn't want to jump on top of him.  He could just see the top of his head, he was trying to tread water, but was going down. Wearing jeans, a hoodie and sneakers, he was weighted quite heavily - and this water was deep.  Will was in the water before I got to the end of the pier, that run for me is quite a blur, I know I screamed, as to how loud, I don't think I will ever know. I was hanging over the edge and couldn't seem them - "have you got him, have you got him"  I remember screaming - then I heard crying, petrified screaming and Cooper and Will had surfaced.  Will had pushed him to the surface first, desperate to get his airways out of the water.  They were clinging to one of the pier posts to catch their breaths.  A nice fisherman came over and asked if they could make it to the ladder, he met them there and helped carry Cooper up. In all of the panic, we don't know if we ever thanked that kind man. Our focus was on getting them both safe and warm.  Cooper was more worried about daddies shoes and hat floating away.  Will lost a thong and his mobile phone didn't survive either, but nothing, nothing was more important at that moment, then saving our little boys life.  Cooper then cried "where's Charlie?" How he was so worried about his little brother after all he had just been through, I will never know.  Little Charlie was crying in the car which I had left running, door open, in the mad rush.
 We took Cooper back days later to see if he wanted to go on the Pirate ship, but he wouldn't get out of the car.  He was scared he would fall in the water.  Even when I was taking the photo's, he was screaming out "be careful mummy, you don't want to fall in the water".
Cooper talks daily about how he fell in the water. How he splashed, got wet and daddy saved his life. We talk about it when he raises it, I have no idea what is going through his mind, he is only 3.5 years old.  All as I know, he was one scared, petrified little wet boy, any longer and it would have been an intense rescue mission to save his life. That night he fell asleep in between both of us, I held his hand and snuggled into his face.  I needed to hold him, smell him, know that he was ok.
He hasn't slept on his own since, he jumps in his sleep, wants to cuddle, wants comfort.
And each night as I am trying to drift off to sleep, all as I see his my beautiful boy, tripping, falling into the water - I constantly relive it, over and over, tears welling in my eyes.
I know it will take time to feel safe, to heal and move on - in the mean time, we just keep thanking our lucky stars that we are all safe.

To the left of this photo, is where Cooper fell.

Time for a holiday

Finally, it is almost here, we have waited a long time for this - and even though we are only going to Port Fairy for a week, it's just what we all need.

Tomorrow we are catching the ferry from Sorrento to Queenscliff, and will then spend the next seven nights in the picturesque seaside town of Port Fairy.  All our getaways are always beachside, we all love the clean sea air and the playtimes on the beach.  Since we had kids, this is the longest trip that we will have taken.  Crazy really!!!
Now that the baby stage is over and Charlie is down to one sleep a day, it makes it a lot easier to jetset around the country.  Well, here's hoping that this is the start of lots of adventures for us.
As I said, we need this break.
Working three days a week, with a long commute, has made me exhausted.  Even though I enjoy my "adult" time, "me" time, when you throw in around 3 hours of travel a day, that is what causes extreme tiredness.  I feel so guilty dragging my babies out of bed early on two of those working days.

We all need this downtime;

Time to "do" no household chores
Time to "do" coffee when we want too
Time to wrestle, sing and dance, as we choose
Time to sleep in - oh, I doubt that one!
Time to play on the beach for endless amounts of hours as an entire family, with no work commitments
Time to explore new things
Time to meander in shops
Time to relax
Time to not have to be anywhere at any special "time"

One more sleep and we are on that Ferry boat as Coops calls it. The wind in our hair, the sun on our faces, no alarms, no appointments - Time for our little family to spend some much needed quality time together

Do you take family holidays?

One sleep, bliss, our holiday is coming.................

Heartwarmer

Today when I picked up my two little men from creche, I was greeted with one running little toddler who ran up to me, checked in and then ran off and pointed to his bag and said "mummy".  Wow, he is 16 months and he made me proud that he knew the routine of having to collect his bag.  Another mum started to pass the bag to me, until Charlie glared at her, grunted and screamed until mummy had the bag in her hands.  It was like no one was allowed to touch his bag except for me! Oh dear, they really do start young.

Then we walked outside to find Cooper who was happily playing in the tree's with his friends.  He ran up to us, gave me a huge cuddle and said "mummy, oh how I've missed you".  Nawww, cue little butterflies flying in my tummy - he always rushes up to me with excitement, but this was the first time he had told me how he felt.  Then he proceeded to say bye to his friends and tell his friends "it's time to go home, this is my mummy".  On the way out he was having a lovely little chat to one of his friends and his friend asked his dad if Cooper could come home with them and play.  It makes me proud to see my little men so happy at creche, making friends and being independent and happy.  It just makes those working days that tiny bit easier knowing that they are surviving  without their mummy around.

My munchkins are growing up, you really do have to cherish every moment in life.

Welcome to the world Olivia Paige Brueckner

One of my long lasting friends Louisa, had her second baby girl yesterday morning at 12:53am - so close to being a leap year baby and only ageing every four years!!

Olivia Paige, welcome to the world beautiful girl.  Please adjust to the hours of daylight and night time quickly so that your mummy and daddy can get lots of much needed sleep.

Isabella - I hope that you enjoy having your new sister in your life.  A best friend to share many wonderful playful moments together - and no doubt get up to lots of mischief together also.

Children are precious and you all are going to create many eventful moments together. Enjoy the arrival of your new family member who is going to bring you an extreme amount of love and happiness xx

High Tea - a magical excuse to catch up with the girls!

Have you ever experienced High Tea?
I hadn't until yesterday afternoon - I can't believe it has taken me 34 years to finally tick that one off my bucket list!
My beautiful high school friend Jandy - aka Flossie, organised for a group of her close girl friends to unite over High Tea at Cloude Hill in Olinda, The Dandenongs.
The special occasion was a send off for her, she flies out in two sleeps time to teach English to children in a Balinese orphanage. What a wonderful journey awaits her.
We didn't have cucumber sandwiches.......but we did have china tiered plates laden with delicious treats.  Savoury quiches, sausage rolls, various types of sandwiches - and the one at the top was our absolute favourite.  Scones, chocolate tarts and lemon tarts - yummo!!!  All topped off with tea, lattes and some bubbling champagne.  The scene was perfect, outside in the sunshine surrounded by beautiful manicured gardens.
The most wonderful thing about this day, was that I was reunited again with a group of wonderful friends from high school.  The girls that I grew up with drinking home made ouzo, partying at Jooce, Metro, Barrel bar etc.  The girls who I can always have a laugh with.
Oh and Jands, I can't believe that I got my dress stuck in my underwear...... at least it wasn't toilet paper traipsing out........!
All the best for a wonderful experience in Bali, a time for you to "grow" and prosper, to teach some gorgeous kids our language, a chance for you to climb some rungs on your ladder in life.  You will touch the lives of everyone that meets you, your smile and personality will stay with them for eternity.
This is your chance to shine xx

Time to return........well, try too!

I feel like I haven't written in ages, I haven't put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard - but that doesn't mean that my thoughts have not stopped!

Ever since I returned to work, the wheels have at times, fallen off the wagon. "This" Wagon, is a lot more rickety since pre October. Poor little blue eyed Charlie has had constant ear infections, to be precise, 6 in 4 months.  Now let me tell you, that's a lot of sleepless nights and a pretty miserable bubba at times. However, he really tries to be a trooper and after having so many, we can pick the warning signs as soon as one hits.  I feel like I am solely paying my doctors wages and keeping the chemist's cash flow going nicely too - but I constantly have to remind myself, it really could be a lot worse.  Sleep deprivation is tough, and for some reason an ear infection always seems to hit on one of those days that I have to work. Bleary eyed I drag myself out of bed before the sun has even woken up. Insert caffeine drip (not really, just a take away skinny latte to kick start my drive!).  Although, sometimes I think caffeine inserted straight into my veins would have a much more desired effect.... And I soldier on, because I have too, because this is what mother hood is all about. This is what I signed up for when those little tadpoles swam their hearts out to reach my eggs to bless us with our two beautiful boys.
I always knew what kind of mother I wanted to be, and at times I am definitely not that mummy.
But I try my best, and I like to think that my boys know that - what am I saying, of course they know that.  Their cuddles, kisses, wanting to hold my hand, sing and dance with them, play trains, run on the beach, wrestling, reading of books, mummy this, mummy that (sometimes I want to change my name from mummy when I hear it 100 million times a day!)
They love me every second of every day, with every inch of their bodies. Through tantrums, tears, laughter and smiles, I am their mummy, the mummy that makes everything just right for them. And that makes me happy and complete.
Many people I know would give their all just to have that extra heartbeat in their home.  That pure soft skin to comfort in the middle of the night, someone that calls them mummy.
So, I may not always be the mummy that I want to be, but I feel blessed that I just got given the chance to be one.