Strength in numbers

It's always there, it never leaves your mind, it's either at the forefront, or purposely jammed right into the back crevice of your brain. What will the future hold?

Fear - fear of the unknown, the clock is ticking.
Hope - we hold out hope that the operation she has just endured, will bring some good news

It crushes your soul to see someone fight for their life, to see their strong character slowly eaten away.  To hear them question their ability to fight the disease. To tackle each obstacle that is getting in the way of them leading a happy life.

And now she has a fighting spirit.  After recovering from pneumonia, she now can laugh, eat chocolate again and smile.  Even though she is extremely bruised and swollen from this recent operation, her desire to beat this horrible disease is stronger than its ever been.

It's amazing the wonderful, caring people that you meet on what is a heart wrenching journey.  The nurses, doctors, surgeons, survivors - the people that contact you to share "their" story of a loved one who has fought this disease, who is fighting this disease.........who has lost their battle to this disease.

We now have connections with people who will give us their shoulders to cry on when the going gets tough, who will sit and laugh with us to give us hope, who will silently be thinking of us every minute of every day.

This journey only begun two months ago, and we still have a long way to go, but my mum is a fighter and this disease will not beat her, or my family!

A new journey awaits

Last week I was made redundant - after 13 years of working for Dalton Paper/Spicers/Paperlinx, it is time for me to move on. The redundancy did not come as a shock, I had spoken with my boss a few weeks prior and said that if the opportunity arose for a redundancy, I put my hand up. It's time for me to find something closer to home, early morning starts, pretty much three hours spent travelling in the car each day, dragging my kids out of a deep slumber to get them to creche, it was no longer the answer. I need more time with my family.
 I shared the most wonderful times with my work friends, lots of fun drunken parties, laughter and jokes constantly in the office, and gaining some friends for life.  As much as I will miss working with all of these dear people and also for a company that gave me so much in my life, a new journey is waiting for me.
I'm not sure where I will end up, but I am looking forward to new challenges and friendships - oh, and less time driving my car!

The unknown

One more sleep until the day of your operation

One more sleep until we know what we are truly dealing with

One more sleep till I get to see your brave face again

One more sleep.......... god I hope I can get some sleep tonight

To hear the nervousness in your voice tonight, to know that your strong facade is being tested

It breaks my heart - no one deserves to go through this.

Especially you, my beautiful, caring mum.

Tomorrow a new chapter of your journey begins

Please let it bring hope

Girls weekend away

This weekend I am heading away with a group of 6  beautiful friends who I went to school with.I am just a little bit excited........ok, I'm VERY excited!An opportunity to spend two nights with a bunch of fun, loyal, giving, loving friends.Friends who have known me for over 20 years, 20 years - now that's a scary thought!A chance for us to escape our normal daily lives and shop, drink champagne, sit in front of cosy fires, see  a movie, go out for dinner and sleep in (fingers crossed for the last one!)And reminisce and laugh about all the finer things in life. And maybe pretend that it is someone's hens night? That's what we did on one of our girls trips. Wow, we have some funny memories from that trip!I will miss waking up to the smell of my boys and tucking them in each night.However, I will cherish this weekend and the memories I will create with my old school mates.Two sleeps to go, I'm like an excited kid waiting to eat a cupcake.MMM, now there's an idea, we could savour some tasty cakes whilst we are away too...........

The word I didn't want to hear

It's been one whole week since we heard that terrible word, it feels like a lifetime.
I'm amazed at how much your life changes when someone close to you is diagnosed with it.
Nothing in the world prepares you for that phone call, "yes, it's cancer".
I tried to be strong and hold back the tears, but they flowed instantly.
You apologised for making me cry, but it isn't your fault that you have this disease.
When I got off the phone, I sobbed uncontrollably, not knowing what lies ahead for us.
At times I feel so empty, raw, totally lost.

I met with your surgeon and one of the nurses who will care for you, they are amazing.
So positive, caring and calling it the "little bugger", instead of saying what it really is.....cancer.
They explained in great detail what the operation will entail, with the uncertainty if the "little bugger" is contained, or if it has spread.
And now we pray, that when they operate, they will remove the bugger and it won't return!

For those of you that are close to us, you will know the strong bond that our family has.
Four daughters who are the best of friends - as dad once said, we are his four aces in a pack of cards, and he couldn't ask for anything else.

To my mum who has given me all I could ever want in life, you will not be alone for one moment on this journey. You know that all of us will be with you every step of the way - to send this "little bugger" packing his bags!

United we stand to conquer this battle.

Being a mother

Tomorrow is Mothers Day, but of course you all know that!
This week has made me cherish and reminisce about all of the wonderful childhood memories that I have shared with my mum. Raising four daughters can not have been an easy - three bedrooms, one bathroom, six people (5 of them female - my poor dad!) Let me tell you, I had an amazing upbringing.
I never felt I went without, although I never had a cabbage patch kid, I had to settle for a flower kid!!
I played basketball and competed in Athletics, I dreamed of being a famous actress..........had to settle for a stint on Double Dare and regular work on Neighbours. But I was given these opportunities, by a caring mum who was always there.
She stayed up late watching TV with me, met me at the letterbox as I stumbled out of a cab, drunk, and then continued to vomit hanging over that letterbox.  She enjoyed getting out of bed and meeting my friends and I after we had been out partying.  Laughing with us, picking on us for being so drunk - just loving being a part of our lives.
My mum loves being involved in our lives, loves watching her 11 grandchildren grow, adores making blankets and aprons to sell at markets.  For her it is about people loving her products, not making any extra "play" money. Oh, and she loves a chat!!!!!!
I'm proud of my mum, and I am so glad that the whole family is getting together for lunch tomorrow - it will be like rent a crowd with all of us and our 11 children.  I can't wait, I love my mum and I love my family.
Being a mum is challenging and rewarding - trust me - after having a demanding, squealing, headstrong 18 month old, testing my patience today, I felt like the worst mother.  I questioned who I am, and who I have become. I wanted to ship him off, pop him in the rubbish bin, anything just to stop him from squealing!!!!
I need to try and not let it get to me, to relax and just enjoy this parenthood ride (the one which has some tough, scary tunnels at times!)
And now I sit here, champagne in hand and look back on my day. I shouldn't let an 18 month old try and turn my life upside down, he just wants me to love him.  To spend every waking moment with him and laugh, not do housework and bake, and get myself stressed.  He just wants kisses and cuddles, assistance with carrying that Thomas  chair around, he is an ideas man who needs to scale to greater heights!
He is at that tough stage, trying to communicate (through screaming and squealing), can't quite get his point across without doing this.
Tomorrow is a new day, it will bring new beginnings - and when I wake in the morning and have my two little men giving me kisses and cuddles, I will smile.  I'll appreciate that I am a mummy and get to have these gorgeous little souls in my life.  Through the trying days and the happy times, I'll always get through what life throws at me.
It's the way I was raised by my parents, and hopefully I can pass just a little bit onto my boys.
MOTHERS DAY - a day to love and adore my mum, and be forever grateful for having the opportunity of being a mummy.

If you are lucky to spend some time with your mum tomorrow, cherish it, tell her how much you love her.  If your mum is no longer with you, remember her with a warmth in your heart, she is watching over you as mummy's do.  If you are a mummy, enjoy every squealing moment, a lot of people would give their all to have what you have.  To all the mum's and the mummy's to be, have a truly wonderful Mothers Day tomorrow xx

The waiting game..........

Within the next 24 hours, we should know.
We should know if it was just a scare, or if the fight for life begins.
Please, please, please let it just be a scare, a mere bump in the road that will disappear never to resurface again.
Scans, ultrasounds, x rays and a biopsy. Hours upon hours of pain and not knowing.
Nobody deserves to wait like this, the unknown is hard.
But most of all, what happens if it is, what happens if there is more to this story?
C A N C E R
No one, no one deserves to suffer through this terrible disease.
I was there when my nana took her last breath, when this disease claimed her life.
Please, don't let me have to hear that word tomorrow.
Tonight I pray, I gain inner strength, am hopeful that the person whose heartbeat I have felt from the inside, will not be hearing this word.