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Saturday, August 13, 2011

This Milk bar is closed for maintenance!

Today was an emotional day, no tears were shed, I am just feeling an empty kind of feeling.
I had started to wean my little man Charlie as I am returning to work in 6 weeks time.  My aim was to drop a feed every couple of weeks, with the aim of him being comfortable on the bottle full time by mid September.  That way my body had time to adjust before I am a bridesmaid at the end of September, and also I would be on track for an early October return to work.

All was going to plan..... until my little fella decided that the bottle was easier, so my supply has dropped and he feels as though he has to work too hard to get satisfied.  Today, he only had a very small feed off me this morning, and that is it.

It's hard to express how I am feeling, for the past 9 months I have nurtured and provided him with this wonderful start to life.  And for that, I am extremely grateful. Happy that I was lucky enough to be able to feed him, comfort him in the middle of the night when he was so young (even though those early days are so hard, to get up every three hours is extremely tiring!)

I feel lost, like a part of me has died.  After doing something for so long, it becomes a part of your daily routine.

When Cooper decided it was time to stop feeding as well, I had the same kind of feeling.  But I felt more at ease with it, knowing that there was a fair chance that I was going to get the wonderful opportunity to experience it all again.  I was ecstatic when little Charlie came into our lives and started suckling from me within minutes of arriving into our world.

I guess I am in mourning, for something in my life that I will never get to experience again.  My feeding days are over, not just numbered as I thought they were yesterday - my little cherub is growing up, becoming independent, sob, sob......

I am trying to reflect and move forward - think of the positives that this brings for me.  I am now not set to times as to when I can go out, someone else can now step in and feed him. My body will settle down soon, and it will be all mine (I don't have to worry about what I eat or drink!)  No more dairy free diet for me, bring on an ice cream sundae! And, I don't have to worry about when I have a wine, look out, that could be dangerous!!!!

My little Charlie Bear, I have loved being your soul provider.  The one that you have turned to when you were hungry and thirsty. I know I have given you the best start into this wonderful world that you are living.  Thank you for enabling me to have this beautiful experience with you - I know that you love me and need me just as much as before.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Buffy, what a lovely post. Brings a tear to the eye. It is such a bitter sweet feeling when they decide to stop and wean themselves. Both my boys did it just shy of 6 months and I can remember feeling a little lost and sad too. You have done a wonderful job to feed little Charlie to 9 months. And yes, he will always need his Mama, that is for sure :o)